I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
