Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
