TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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