WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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