I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
sarcasm needs its own font
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
