Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
