I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
