I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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