zippers are such a cool invention
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
