Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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