Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
is it fun? or sober?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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