Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
