I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You pole danced in your parka.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
