I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize