if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
...so i touched it.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
