So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
