i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
