I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
