and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
