Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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