it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
