I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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