The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
