I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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