so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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