we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
