Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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