I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
