What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
