he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
