its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
