There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
