I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize