I cannot find my penis.
I just cut my nipple shaving
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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