its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
