you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
