the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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