i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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