My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
