He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
