Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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