Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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