I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
