I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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