Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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