she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
