Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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