I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Drake has all the answers
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
