you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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