the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
