I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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