I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
