My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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