i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
