did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
