At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize