You just made me feel so damn special
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
