Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
