I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize