i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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