Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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