I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
