Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I think my fart just growled at me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
