I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The air was thick with penises
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
